Gettin' Honest.

It's past my bedtime.
But I'm up.
Sitting on my unmade bed.  In my messy house.  With unfinished work in front of me.

Sometimes, things don't go the way you want them to.  And it especially sucks when you're the only one to blame.

Lately, I have been feeling like a failure.  I've put on some of the weight I lost last year, given in to a few old eating habits, let a silly injury be my excuse to avoid running and been a little irresponsible with my money.

I have lost focus and discipline.

But.
I am reminded of a few things.

--I have a loving God, who, despite what my over-analytical, works-based mind tells me, loves me regardless.  Even on days when I'm running late or being lazy. 
--I have amazing parents who are my ever-present cheerleaders; always there to lift my spirits, encourage me and help in any way they can.
--I have incredible friends who don't judge me and who remind me that we are all human.
And.
--I have a fresh start tomorrow.
A chance to do it.  Make it happen.  Turn over a new leaf.  Jump back on the bandwagon.

Wish me luck!

Different.

In the journey of weight loss, it's really easy to have a certain picture in your mind of what you look like.
Unfortunately, that picture is usually a very old, much larger picture than what you look like in actuality.
Sometimes I have to consciously look in the mirror and notice how different I look now.  Or put two pictures next to each other in order to see the change.
Yesterday, I was editing pictures from my day downtown with Ashlee and I actually noticed a difference and thought I would share:

[yesterday]

[september 2010]

thank you, Jesus that there is a difference.

I am woman. Hear me roar.

On Saturday, I did something I didn't think I could do.

I ran the Warrior Dash.

http://warriordash.com/

Roommate and I woke up at the crack of dawn, packed our car full of old towels, snacks, Walmart bags and water bottles and drove out into the boonies of Morris, Oklahoma.

Once we got of our paperwork taken care of and our gear checked, we headed to the start line and got our game faces on [even though I was seriously nervous about not being harcore enough].

 

The race was a 5k with obstacles and there was a lot more intense running than I was expecting.  I guess I was thinking that the run would be flat and that the obstacles would be evenly spread out throughout the event, but I was wrong on both counts!  It felt like the majority of the running was uphill and we ran a full 1.5 miles before we even hit our first obstacle.

I had so much fun and felt so accomplished at the end.  I remember feeling like I was going to die a little bit during my last 5k and this time, I felt energized and excited and like I could keep going.  What a great difference :)

I was also so glad that Kaley did it with me.  It wouldn't have been nearly as fun or easy without her!

Thanks to Kale's waterproof camera, here are some fun pictures of our Warrior Dash experience:

Learning to Love This New Body..and Myself.

When I started counting calories and running, it was for two reasons: first of all, I needed to get healthier and secondly, I was part of a competition.  Throughout the course of the Biggest Loser competition, I worked hard.  I worked hard because I enjoyed seeing the results, but as I look back on it, I think the real reason I worked hard was because I couldn't stand to let my friends [my team] down.

Now that the competition is over, it's much harder to be motivated.  There isn't a prize to be won or the once-intense accountability, and most importantly, there isn't a team to benefit from my weight loss.  I have to be motivated by my own desires to be healthier and lose weight.  It has to be for me.  And that's where the struggle is.  I have to remind myself that I am enough--my self esteem, my health, my future, my body--that's motivation enough to run and eat spinach and drink water and lift weights.

I am enough.

Here I am, 15 pounds away from my goal weight and, truth be told, I think I sabotage myself because I'm terrified of seeing that magical number on the scale and still not being completely satisfied with what I see in the mirror.  I want to love myself regardless of size or weight.

I am enough.

I wanted to share some of the little things that make me feel successful on the days when I feel like I haven't done anything extraordinary.  The little things that are helping me to love my new body...and myself.

[i have a collar bone now!]

[there's room to spare in my once-tight rain boots]

[that ring used to go on my middle finger and then it started falling off]

[mediums are sometimes too big nowadays]

[drawstrings are a must because this waist keeps shrinking!]

It's definitely a process, but a good one :)